After retirement, President Biden still needed a little help keeping track of things. Jill thought she had the solution: bring back the Easter Bunny aide, the one who used to hop in during press events and quietly redirect Joe whenever he started wandering off-script. Unfortunately, that plan collapsed after the world discovered the Bunny’s after-hours […]
I was at Burning Man
I thought I’d finally see what all the fuss was about, so I dragged myself out to Burning Man. I figured: dust, art, and maybe a decent hotdog stand. What I got instead was a sandstorm that could peel paint off a battleship and rain that turned the desert into a swamp. I spent three […]
Chainsaw Chicken – Box Boy
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that […]
Raising Chicks?
There I was. Just relaxing in my chair after a long day of doing things, being at places, seeing specific people, when Mrs. Chicken approaches me without saying a word. I look up at her and I smile, thinking about how fortunate I am to have found such a wonderful life partner. Someone who seemed […]
How ‘Bout My Genes?
The Superior fit! “Breaking news from the denim front lines!” Chainsaw Chicken announced while twisting his hips in a pair of spray-painted-on jeans. “Apparently, wearing American Eagle now qualifies you for a slot in the Master Race—at least if you’re Sydney Sweeney and your marketing department forgot what century we’re living in.” Chainsaw spun around, […]
Mystery Science Theater Guest
Are you a fan of Mystery Science Theater? Then grab your popcorn — and maybe a barf bag — because this Friday night at 10 PM, something fowl is taking over the Satellite of Love. That’s right. Chainsaw Chicken is guest-hosting a very special episode of MST3K! In a move that shocked no one and […]