Let’s clear something up. Again. I am not a chicken.I do not use a chainsaw.Chainsaw is my name. This shouldn’t be complicated, yet here we are. Somewhere along the way, people decided that a name must be a job description, a lifestyle choice, or a prop inventory. If your name is Jack, you must climb […]
Greenland in play
I didn’t come to bid.I came to watch who thought they owned the room. Greenland started as a joke. A word. Then someone threw out a number big enough to make it real. That’s how land changes hands now—not with flags or soldiers, but with casual voices and imaginary money. I sat down when it […]
Award Season Again
Chainsaw Chicken did not seek out the Golden Globe Awards.Nor did he linger. He attended because an invitation arrived, and ignoring it felt like the sort of thing that would eventually require explaining. Explaining, Chainsaw had learned, rarely improved outcomes with Mrs. Chicken. He was accompanied by a woman whose name he did not repeat […]
Goodbye Dilbert
I didn’t know Scott Adams.He certainly didn’t know me. But for years, I knew of him — the way many of us did — through a small daily rectangle that quietly said things most workplaces preferred not to hear out loud. Dilbert worked because it wasn’t loud. It didn’t shout. It observed. It noticed the […]
She Loves Me…
Chainsaw Chicken stood in the field longer than necessary, holding a sunflower that had already given up most of its opinions. Petals on the ground don’t lie. They just tell you what you already suspect. He’s been married to Mrs. Chicken a long time. Long enough to know that love isn’t fireworks or slogans or […]
Internal Matter-Nothing to see
I wasn’t involved directly. That’s important to say up front. When you reach a certain point, people assume you are involved, even when you’re just standing nearby with your hands in your pockets, trying not to make things complicated. I’ve learned that clarity helps. This was an internal matter. One of our senior enforcement officers […]
Sponge Bob Cameo
I was told to sit. That happens sometimes. Someone says, “Just sit here for a second,” and I do. I don’t ask a lot of questions because questions tend to slow things down, and I was already wearing the suit. The suit usually means you’re expected to behave. So I sat. There was a sponge. […]
Enforcement Division
Chainsaw Chicken International, Ltd has engaged a high-tech enforcement team to scan the world over for people, shows, videos and especially websites that try to imitate, copy, leverage, impersonate, clone or otherwise fake that they are Chainsaw Chicken. We recently took action against an unauthorized hyphenated domain attempting to impersonate our character. This is why […]
International Version
Chainsaw Chicken first learned he was popular overseas when someone sent him a still image. It arrived without explanation. No return address. Just an image file and a short line in the email body: Thought you should see this. The image showed two figures seated at a table. One of them resembled Chainsaw, though not […]
Campbell’s Bioengineered
I was standing in the kitchen, staring at a can of Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder like it had just confessed to a felony. The label said bioengineered ingredients.Which, in Chainsaw Chicken’s world, translates to:“Congratulations, you might grow a second spleen.” Mrs. Chicken walked by and said,“Chainsaw, why are you squinting at soup like […]