Some graduates received jewelry.Others got money.A few even drove home in brand-new cars with giant bows on the hood. Chainsaw Chicken got something else entirely. Nobody knows exactly how it happened. One minute he was standing outside the graduation hall holding his diploma like he had personally defeated higher education itself. The next minute he […]
Cinco – NO-NO
When it was suggested that the hat might not be appropriate,Chainsaw explained that it had already been cleared. He had seen Eli Wallach wear it.He had seen Kurt Russell wear it. Both were permitted to continue. He also noted that Cinco de Mayo had aligned with Taco Tuesday. He assumed this was not accidental. The […]
My New Neighbor
The other day I decided I would give Mrs. Chicken a small surprise and start dinner while she was out with her friends doing whatever wives do when they get together. “What should I make?” I asked myself. I grabbed some of my cookbooks and started leafing through them. Nothing seemed to strike me. Oh […]
It must be Pareidolia
Chainsaw Chicken stood before the bathroom mirror, where many unnecessary mysteries preferred to gather. The fluorescent light buzzed overhead with institutional confidence. The sink was crowded with toothpaste, soap, and a toothbrush that had seen things. In the glass stood a man. He wore Chainsaw’s jacket. He carried Chainsaw’s posture. He possessed the same unmistakable […]
Therapist Answering Service
I called my therapist to change my appointment time. He must have been out to lunch or something. Instead, I got his service… “Hello. You’ve reached the Mental Health Hotline.If you are obsessive compulsive… press 1. Repeatedly.If you are codependent… have someone press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities… press 3, 4, 5, and […]
Before He Knew
There was a time—long before anyone used words like condition or episode—when the house felt complete in a way that didn’t need explaining. Mornings came in soft through the curtains. The kind of light that didn’t demand anything, just settled in and made everything look like it belonged. She would sit with them on the […]
DTF Chainsaw
Chainsaw Chicken stood in the hallway, holding a small cardboard package. He read the label again.“Amazon.” He nodded once.“That part checks out.” The bedroom door was slightly open. Warm light spilled into the hallway.On the floor beside him, the package had already been opened. A book rested halfway out of the bag: “The Amazon Position” […]
The Eyes of March
Chainsaw Chicken came home from work looking tired. Mrs. Chicken glanced up from the kitchen table. “How’d the promotion go at the mall?” Chainsaw sighed and lowered himself into a chair.“They hired me to promote a mid-March event,” he said. “Marketing said I should do something obviously Roman.” “That makes sense,” she said. “Well, the […]
Too Close to TV
You heard it when you were young.Chainsaw heard it as well. Your mother gently reminding you: “Don’t sit so close to the television.” It was a common chant, echoing from the kitchen into the living room. But it wasn’t the only daily drone mothers seemed to collectively employ in an effort to restrain the imaginary […]
This Changed Everything
The Day I Won a Hundred Terrible Records (and One That Saved Me) I was thirteen, all elbows and curiosity, tuned to a local AM station that sounded like it was broadcast from inside a coffee can. Every hour they ran a “Name It and Claim It” challenge: be the first caller to identify […]