Chainsaw Chicken stood at the mailbox holding a thick envelope marked OFFICIAL ACTION. He had received many such letters over the years.Some accused him of confusion.Some accused him of tone.One objected to the emotional impact of a coupon. He placed the envelope on the kitchen table beside his coffee and switched on the television. There, […]
the Guy in the Chicken Suit
Last night at an outdoor rally, a U.S. Senator thanked the crowd. He thanked the volunteers.He thanked the organizers.He thanked everyone who showed up. Then he added: “Even the guy in the chicken suit.” The crowd laughed. I was not there. I was home. Blue bathrobe. White socks. Soft drink halfway to my mouth. Watching […]
Fishing the Quiet Potomac
Chainsaw chose the location with care, research, and a folded brochure he found in a glove compartment three years ago. “This,” he said, planting his lawn chair with conviction, “is exactly where Washington crossed the Potomac in that famous painting.” He pointed at the river with authority. The river responded by foaming. He adjusted his […]
Vogued Chainsaw
(In the spirit of the recent Vogue story of Gov. Newsom) Let’s get this out of the way: He is impeccably arranged. Nothing about him appears accidental, including the accidents he overcame early in life, which now seem thoughtfully placed in retrospect. His hair shows experience at the edges, like a distinguished document. He stands […]
Greenland in play
I didn’t come to bid.I came to watch who thought they owned the room. Greenland started as a joke. A word. Then someone threw out a number big enough to make it real. That’s how land changes hands now—not with flags or soldiers, but with casual voices and imaginary money. I sat down when it […]
Skippy & Scooter
Disney, Pixar, and Chainsaw Chicken International, Ltd. have entered the final stages of approving Disney’s latest attempt to indoctrinate children and like-minded adults on the importance of identifying every character’s sexual orientation before the plot even starts. That was the stumbling block in finalizing this movie deal. First, let me tell you—Skippy and Scooter are […]
Our Ship Came In
The morning started with optimism thick enough to stand on. I kicked open the screen door, holding my coffee like a victory torch. “Our ship’s come in, Mrs. Chicken!” I announced, voice filled with the conviction of a man about to change history—or at least the threat of success. Without glancing up from her […]
You’re In MY SHOT!
Sometimes I like to help others in their struggle to help others. That way, I’m not in the spotlight—they can be. So today I was helping a local political personality do some community service—reading bedtime stories to underprivileged children from troubled homes. She was on Zoom, soothingly narrating something called “The Cloud That Took a […]
From Toe to Table
There I was at my doctor’s office. I was seeing him about the goo that was growing between some of my toes. He sent it off for a culture. What happened after that is disgustedly amazing. Case in point: the goo patch between my toes. I thought it was athlete’s foot. The doctor thought it […]
Poultry Man Denied UK Entry
Satirical Poultry Man Denied Entry Under Anti-Speech Act LONDON BBC — A man known only as Chainsaw Chicken has been refused entry into Great Britain after immigration officials determined his speech posed “an imminent risk of awareness.” Witnesses at Heathrow Airport reported that the individual, wearing what authorities described as “a suspiciously realistic chicken mask,” […]