Only in American can someone like me, Chainsaw Chicken, grow and thrive as well as I have. Happy 250th America!
Biden Library News
BIDEN PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY OPENS FIRST PHASE IN DELAWARE Wilmington, Delaware — With all the news about the opening of the controversial President Obama’s library and to not be overlooked, representatives for former President Joe Biden today unveiled the first completed phase of the Biden Presidential Library deep within the majestic forests of Delaware. Nestled among […]
Reflecting Algae Cure
I noticed some government workers trying to remove the algae from the Reflecting Pool in Washington, D.C. It seemed like a lot of work, so I figured I should help. “I THINK IT WILL HELP!” I explained. The workers immediately became agitated and instructed me to stop helping. I assume they were concerned that my […]
White House UFC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chainsaw Chicken has announced his participation in the upcoming UFC event at the White House. According to Chainsaw, the invitation arrived several weeks ago. “I don’t generally discuss my athletic achievements,” said Chainsaw. “I prefer to let others discuss them because I don’t have any.” The historic event is expected to draw […]
Cinco – NO-NO
When it was suggested that the hat might not be appropriate,Chainsaw explained that it had already been cleared. He had seen Eli Wallach wear it.He had seen Kurt Russell wear it. Both were permitted to continue. He also noted that Cinco de Mayo had aligned with Taco Tuesday. He assumed this was not accidental. The […]
Convenient Removal Process
Chainsaw Chicken stood at the mailbox holding a thick envelope marked OFFICIAL ACTION. He had received many such letters over the years.Some accused him of confusion.Some accused him of tone.One objected to the emotional impact of a coupon. He placed the envelope on the kitchen table beside his coffee and switched on the television. There, […]
the Guy in the Chicken Suit
Last night at an outdoor rally, a U.S. Senator thanked the crowd. He thanked the volunteers.He thanked the organizers.He thanked everyone who showed up. Then he added: “Even the guy in the chicken suit.” The crowd laughed. I was not there. I was home. Blue bathrobe. White socks. Soft drink halfway to my mouth. Watching […]
Fishing the Quiet Potomac
Chainsaw chose the location with care, research, and a folded brochure he found in a glove compartment three years ago. “This,” he said, planting his lawn chair with conviction, “is exactly where Washington crossed the Potomac in that famous painting.” He pointed at the river with authority. The river responded by foaming. He adjusted his […]
Vogued Chainsaw
(In the spirit of the recent Vogue story of Gov. Newsom) Let’s get this out of the way: He is impeccably arranged. Nothing about him appears accidental, including the accidents he overcame early in life, which now seem thoughtfully placed in retrospect. His hair shows experience at the edges, like a distinguished document. He stands […]
Greenland in play
I didn’t come to bid.I came to watch who thought they owned the room. Greenland started as a joke. A word. Then someone threw out a number big enough to make it real. That’s how land changes hands now—not with flags or soldiers, but with casual voices and imaginary money. I sat down when it […]