Finally! After weeks and weeks I suddenly was able to get an appointment with Bob Iger, the head of Disney.
I learned that this appointment would also have Daria Cercek, President of Disney Live Action – Theatrical. She reports up to David Greenbaum, who is President of Disney Live Action overall. Plus a couple of other flunkies and a few “yes” men.
As I walked into his overly spacious office, I muttered, “Oh, this is only slightly ostentatious.”
One of the flunkies inquired, “I’m sorry, Mr. Chainsaw, were you saying something?”
“Nothing at all… Just the utterance of awe and bewilderment,” I quipped back. I sat in the center chair in front of Bob’s desk. The others flanked him on either side.
In a less-than-tolerant tone, Bob Iger opened up. “So what’s this meeting about, Chainsaw? If I may call you Chainsaw.”
“Sure Bob, I insist. I am here to help drag Disney into the 20th century… I mean 21st century,” I stated.
Iger simply stared, emotionless. His long pause was finally interrupted: “And how is that?”
I continued, “I see it this way, Disney is really in the toilet when it comes to making any money on movies. The expression ‘go woke, go broke’ has a picture of Walt’s frozen head next to it in the Urban Dictionary. I’m here to help you thaw out Disney and awaken like a Phoenix from your ash tray to the powerhouse it used to be.”
Iger simply shook his head in amazement.
I pressed on. “I want Disney to arrange for me to do a reboot of Risky Business. Since Geffen Films is belly up and Warner Brothers is holding the papers, I think you can get a sweet deal for this. Especially since they love the way I have immortalized Dirty Harry many times on my site…” Chainsaw waited for Bob to show some sign of understanding, but there was just the same look.
“Anyway…” Chainsaw became more animated. “Imagine me as the main character.” He stood up, stepped back out of the chair, slipped off his loafers, unbuckled his pants and dropped them to the floor. Just his shirt and white socks. He put on his sunglasses and reached over to one of the many shelves adorned with Bob Iger’s awards and trophies. He grabbed Bob’s 2009 People’s Choice Award for High School Musical 3: Senior Year and used it like a microphone. Chainsaw slid across the garnet tile floor and started to sing:
“Just give me some of that old time rock and roll…”
Bob turned to the others in the room and said, “This guy is either crazy or a genius…” Silence filled the room, and then he added, “I’ll go with the former rather than the latter. Call security — and put some pants on him.”
We’ll see how it goes. I told the guards to come get me if Bob calls. No word. Oh… here come the Jello and the bologna sandwich. Gotta run.