It started with a simple question. Grok wanted to know if Chainsaw Chicken was real. So I typed:“Yes, that’s me in all the photos. I am real.” Grok perked up like a kid who just found Santa Claus. It wrote back, all excited:“That’s amazing to hear! You’re the real person behind Chainsaw Chicken! You’re living […]
From Toe to Table
There I was at my doctor’s office. I was seeing him about the goo that was growing between some of my toes. He sent it off for a culture. What happened after that is disgustedly amazing. Case in point: the goo patch between my toes. I thought it was athlete’s foot. The doctor thought it […]
Poultry Man Denied UK Entry
Satirical Poultry Man Denied Entry Under Anti-Speech Act LONDON BBC — A man known only as Chainsaw Chicken has been refused entry into Great Britain after immigration officials determined his speech posed “an imminent risk of awareness.” Witnesses at Heathrow Airport reported that the individual, wearing what authorities described as “a suspiciously realistic chicken mask,” […]
Past Warning Remembered
My EMDR sessions with my current therapist pulled up a warm summer evening when my mother finally lost her temper with me.Not about grades.Not about chores.Not even about sneaking out. No… this was the night she shouted at me for “thinking I am a Chicken.” I told her, “I am not any chicken. I’m Chainsaw […]
Celebrating Labor Day
“The grill is working harder than I am.” But every year on Labor Day, Mrs. Chicken reminds me what real labor is like — hatching too many clutches of eggs to count. A tired reminder… but one I can’t exactly argue with.
Biden’s Visiting Angel
After retirement, President Biden still needed a little help keeping track of things. Jill thought she had the solution: bring back the Easter Bunny aide, the one who used to hop in during press events and quietly redirect Joe whenever he started wandering off-script. Unfortunately, that plan collapsed after the world discovered the Bunny’s after-hours […]
I was at Burning Man
I thought I’d finally see what all the fuss was about, so I dragged myself out to Burning Man. I figured: dust, art, and maybe a decent hotdog stand. What I got instead was a sandstorm that could peel paint off a battleship and rain that turned the desert into a swamp. I spent three […]
Chainsaw Chicken – Box Boy
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that […]
Raising Chicks?
There I was. Just relaxing in my chair after a long day of doing things, being at places, seeing specific people, when Mrs. Chicken approaches me without saying a word. I look up at her and I smile, thinking about how fortunate I am to have found such a wonderful life partner. Someone who seemed […]
How ‘Bout My Genes?
The Superior fit! “Breaking news from the denim front lines!” Chainsaw Chicken announced while twisting his hips in a pair of spray-painted-on jeans. “Apparently, wearing American Eagle now qualifies you for a slot in the Master Race—at least if you’re Sydney Sweeney and your marketing department forgot what century we’re living in.” Chainsaw spun around, […]