Chainsaw Chicken arrived five minutes early.
He sat calmly at the round table with a small stack of index cards in front of him, smiling pleasantly while producers whispered near the cameras.
The hosts entered together.
They had already read the posts.
Whoopi leaned forward first.
“Chainsaw… we invited you here because some of your posts are causing a lot of reaction online. One in particular— ‘Mom’s Day.’”
Joy Behar lifted a printed copy.
“I have to say… I found it very sad.”
Chainsaw nodded politely.
“Oh?”
Joy tapped the page.
“You talk about how you believe you were born this way. That must have been very difficult for your mother.”
Sunny Hostin leaned closer.
“Did she ever try to get you help?”
The audience murmured softly.
Sara Haines tilted her head sympathetically.
“It must have been very hard on her.”
Chainsaw blinked once.
“Oh, she handled it very well.”
Joy frowned.
“But surely she struggled.”
Chainsaw shook his head.
“No, not really.”
Whoopi pressed.
“So she just… accepted it?”
Chainsaw smiled.
“She said every family has something.”
Sunny tapped another page.
“But you also wrote that satire works best when people don’t realize they’re the subject of it. That’s from your post ‘What Is Satire? — The Five Layers.’”
Chainsaw nodded again.
“That’s correct.”
Joy leaned forward.
“So you admit you’re mocking people.”
Chainsaw considered this.
“No.”
He paused.
“I’m observing them.”
Sara crossed her arms.
“And what about ‘Past Warning Remembered’? That sounded pretty political.”
Chainsaw glanced down at his cards.
“Sometimes points appear when people walk directly into them.”
The table went quiet.
Whoopi leaned back and studied him.
“You know something else people pointed out online.”
Chainsaw waited patiently.
“You’re a white chicken.”
The audience laughed softly.
Whoopi continued.
“I don’t see any chickens of color in your posts.”
Joy nodded.
“That’s true.”
Sunny added seriously,
“Representation matters.”
Chainsaw looked around the table, puzzled.
Then he raised one finger politely.
“Just a small correction.”
The hosts waited.
“I’m not a chicken.”
Sara frowned.
“But… you’re wearing a chicken mask.”
Chainsaw nodded.
“Yes.”
He folded his hands calmly.
“I was born this way.”
Joy threw up her hands.
“Then why the mask?”
Chainsaw glanced down at his index cards and smiled.
“My mother said it suited me.”
The hosts stared at him.
Chainsaw looked up again.
“And honestly…”
He gestured politely toward the panel.
“…it saves a lot of time during introductions.”
Whoopi shook her head slowly.
“So let me understand this.”
“You’re not a chicken.”
“That’s correct.”
“But you run a website called Chainsaw Chicken.”
Chainsaw nodded.
“Yes.”
Sunny asked carefully,
“So what exactly are you?”
Chainsaw thought about that for a moment.
Then he leaned slightly closer to the microphone.
“Mostly a reminder.”
The hosts exchanged looks.
“A reminder of what?” Joy asked.
Chainsaw smiled pleasantly.
“That people often get angry…”
He glanced briefly at his note cards.
“…before they finish reading.”
The table went silent.
Chainsaw adjusted his cards neatly.
“But I do appreciate everyone’s concern about my mother.”
He looked around the panel.
“It’s nice to see people worried about her after all these years.”
He paused.
“Especially the ones who never met her.”
A producer’s voice broke through from off camera.
“And… we’re going to break.”
The hosts were still staring at him.
Chainsaw glanced at his cards again.
“Oh good,” he said cheerfully.
“That was actually my next point.”