“Hello and thank you all for attending this zoom corporate call transmitted world wide to all the Chainsaw Chicken International, Ltd, facilities, branch offices, remote locations and those of you who are working from home” said Chainsaw.

“As the CEO and President of Chainsaw Chicken International and having well over 100 employees, we are subject to the mandate President Biden has been pushing.  Regardless of what the Supreme Court says, we are compelled to cooperate with this mandate due to our military contracts with the government as well as other factors directly affecting this situation” he continued.

“However, when we consulted with our legal department as well as outside legal counsel of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe, we are allowed to include other factors and mitigations. Like the considerations of the Airline Industry, combined with the Cruise Ship Industry, then tempered with the Public School Guidelines, while considering the general conditions of the States of Florida, Texas and Tennessee, we have reached a conclusion” said Chainsaw.

“No one will be allowed to enter our establishment, whether public or private, without wearing a facial covering. Usual cloth or paper masks will be acceptable. Unlike the other industries we will honor those whom wish to use g-strings and/or underwear should they prefer to use that method. These are to be worn inside or outside the building. This also includes home offices or our new aquatic facility for water exercise. No exceptions!”

He added, “But we have some variables to be implemented with this extensive mandate. If you are eating or drinking, you don’t need to have the mask in place if there is any chewing or swallowing within 3 to 12 minutes of mastication, per-digestion or transition to the upper colon. Should movement be in the form of travel and is happening at the same time, you need to add or remove the estimated travel time to these requirement.”

Chainsaw went on to say “Now, if you are traveling in a Northerly or Southerly direction, you can remove the mask (or g-string) from your nose but still keep it covering your mouth. Easterly or Westerly travel allows the reverse, maintaining the cover only on the nasal area. This is not applicable to going to rest room facilities as we recommend that the mask be double-layered below your nose.”

He finalized saying “These are just the general rules of this mandate. For further specific details we are creating a special web site where you can read these specifications in further details and it should be visible on the web within 3-6 weeks. However, these rules are in place as of this point further. Thanks you for your attention.”

Chainsaw paused and spoke, “Oh…and by example, these rules do not apply to those going to hair salons, buying ice cream, people deeply involved and moved by music, democratic party gatherings or when around wait staff prior to or leaving speeches… or if a camera is not present.



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