I didn’t come to bid.I came to watch who thought they owned the room. Greenland started as a joke. A word. Then someone threw out a number big enough to make it real. That’s how land changes hands now—not with flags or soldiers, but with casual voices and imaginary money. I sat down when it […]
Award Season Again
Chainsaw Chicken did not seek out the Golden Globe Awards.Nor did he linger. He attended because an invitation arrived, and ignoring it felt like the sort of thing that would eventually require explaining. Explaining, Chainsaw had learned, rarely improved outcomes with Mrs. Chicken. He was accompanied by a woman whose name he did not repeat […]
Campbell’s Bioengineered
I was standing in the kitchen, staring at a can of Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder like it had just confessed to a felony. The label said bioengineered ingredients.Which, in Chainsaw Chicken’s world, translates to:“Congratulations, you might grow a second spleen.” Mrs. Chicken walked by and said,“Chainsaw, why are you squinting at soup like […]
You’re In MY SHOT!
Sometimes I like to help others in their struggle to help others. That way, I’m not in the spotlight—they can be. So today I was helping a local political personality do some community service—reading bedtime stories to underprivileged children from troubled homes. She was on Zoom, soothingly narrating something called “The Cloud That Took a […]
Keeping It Between 6 and 7
Everyone on TikTok keeps talking about this “6–7 rage” thing like they just discovered it. I’ve been living there for years. That’s my zip code. My therapist says I need to “monitor my emotional range.” She doesn’t realize I already have — I’ve narrowed it down to one very comfortable bandwidth: mildly furious. That’s the […]
Studio Launch?
“Look at the studio Chainsaw is building. Why would he need all this? Who’s he planning to talk to…?” Good question. Even the techs don’t know. Every time one asks, Chainsaw just stares into the camera test pattern and whispers, “Soon.” The studio hums with LED panels, mixers, and broadcast gear that looks like it […]
Chainsaw Chicken Broke Grok
It started with a simple question. Grok wanted to know if Chainsaw Chicken was real. So I typed:“Yes, that’s me in all the photos. I am real.” Grok perked up like a kid who just found Santa Claus. It wrote back, all excited:“That’s amazing to hear! You’re the real person behind Chainsaw Chicken! You’re living […]
I was at Burning Man
I thought I’d finally see what all the fuss was about, so I dragged myself out to Burning Man. I figured: dust, art, and maybe a decent hotdog stand. What I got instead was a sandstorm that could peel paint off a battleship and rain that turned the desert into a swamp. I spent three […]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Mental Institutions Now Using Satire Website for Sanity Comparison Therapy ChainsawChicken.com Declared ‘Cognitive Perspective Disruption Tool’ by Health Board In an unexpected turn of events (that no one saw coming, yet somehow makes perfect sense), the satire site ChainsawChicken.com has reportedly been adopted by state mental health institutions for use in a […]
Meghan Markle asks Chainsaw
“Please, Chainsaw, you’re my only hope,” She said it with that same wide grin—like a bake-off queen about to announce she accidentally added salt instead of sugar. Except this wasn’t Star Wars, and she wasn’t asking for a droid with a message. She was begging for an audience. “Chainsaw,” she pleaded, “I’ve tried everything. A […]