After retirement, President Biden still needed a little help keeping track of things. Jill thought she had the solution: bring back the Easter Bunny aide, the one who used to hop in during press events and quietly redirect Joe whenever he started wandering off-script. Unfortunately, that plan collapsed after the world discovered the Bunny’s after-hours […]
I was at Burning Man
I thought I’d finally see what all the fuss was about, so I dragged myself out to Burning Man. I figured: dust, art, and maybe a decent hotdog stand. What I got instead was a sandstorm that could peel paint off a battleship and rain that turned the desert into a swamp. I spent three […]
Chainsaw Chicken – Box Boy
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that […]
Raising Chicks?
There I was. Just relaxing in my chair after a long day of doing things, being at places, seeing specific people, when Mrs. Chicken approaches me without saying a word. I look up at her and I smile, thinking about how fortunate I am to have found such a wonderful life partner. Someone who seemed […]
How ‘Bout My Genes?
The Superior fit! “Breaking news from the denim front lines!” Chainsaw Chicken announced while twisting his hips in a pair of spray-painted-on jeans. “Apparently, wearing American Eagle now qualifies you for a slot in the Master Race—at least if you’re Sydney Sweeney and your marketing department forgot what century we’re living in.” Chainsaw spun around, […]
Mystery Science Theater Guest
Are you a fan of Mystery Science Theater? Then grab your popcorn — and maybe a barf bag — because this Friday night at 10 PM, something fowl is taking over the Satellite of Love. That’s right. Chainsaw Chicken is guest-hosting a very special episode of MST3K! In a move that shocked no one and […]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Mental Institutions Now Using Satire Website for Sanity Comparison Therapy ChainsawChicken.com Declared ‘Cognitive Perspective Disruption Tool’ by Health Board In an unexpected turn of events (that no one saw coming, yet somehow makes perfect sense), the satire site ChainsawChicken.com has reportedly been adopted by state mental health institutions for use in a […]
Shark Week, Again
Yes, once again it’s Shark Week on the Discovery channel. It’s a series that the people seem to enjoy each year. It lines up with the story line introduced in the monumental shark movie ‘Jaws’ back in 1975 where Amity Island tries to cope with the sea killers. Since then, mid summer fun seems to […]
Have You Seen This?
4th of July Chickettes
Did you see the parade? It was the local chapter of the Chainsaw Chicken Chickettes. The parade moved slow, like smoke drifting through a forgotten summer dream. Majorettes marched tight and sharp, heads held high, all proudly representing Local Chapter #47 — a mysterious group known simply as Chainsaw Chicken. They didn’t wear masks. They […]