It’s about time. In an agreement with Mattel, Chainsaw has introduced a new version of their classic ‘Magic 8-Ball’.

Many of us remember friends sitting around cross-legged in a circle. Each of us taking our turn asking the magic ball a deep and secret question out loud, then inverting the ball to see the answer slowly reveal itself in the blue fluid.

Questions like the ones the good kids ask, “Will I get an A on my math test?” or “Will Jimmy ask me to dance at the sock-hop?”

Then there’s the typical questions from kids like Chainsaw Chicken. “Will Linda make out with me at the party?” or “Will the police ever find that gun I threw into the landfill?”

Compare the simple and somewhat vague answers you used to get to the new answers Chainsaw has installed.

‘Old” Answers ‘New’ Answers
● It is certain. NOW READS ● You need curtains.
● It is decidedly so. NOW READS ● It is deceptively so.
● Without a doubt. NOW READS ● Give them doubt.
● Yes definitely. NOW READS ● You have privilege.
● You may rely on it. NOW READS ● Are you kidding?
● Very doubtful. NOW READS ● We doubt you.
● As I see it, yes. NOW READS ● As I see it, it won’t matter.
● Most likely. NOW READS ● Most likely, but who cares?
● Outlook good. NOW READS ● Outlook good, Firefox better.
● Yes. NOW READS ● Racist!
● Signs point to yes. NOW READS ● Signs point at you.
● Hazy, try again. NOW READS ● Quit now while you are ahead.
● Ask again later. NOW READS ● Where’s my Biden money?
● Better not tell you. NOW READS ● You can’t handle the truth.
● Can’t predict now. NOW READS ● White Supremacist!
● Concentrate NOW READS ● Let’s Go Brandon!
● Don’t count on it. NOW READS ● C’mon man!
● My reply is no. NOW READS ● Your email bounced.
● My sources say no. NOW READS ● It’s science.
● Outlook not good. NOW READS ● Your fly is open.



Church of Elvis