So, the other day, this new guy shows up in town, right? Nobody knew where he came from. He wasn’t like the weird hippies or the out-of-towners who usually blow through South Park. No—this guy was different. He looked like a regular dude, but with this freaky rubber chicken mask stuck on his head, like he thought he was born that way or something. Said his name was Chainsaw Chicken. Yeah, that’s his actual name.
At first, everybody thought he was just another South Park crazy. But he didn’t bring a chainsaw, and he didn’t cluck or flap or anything—he just walked around like nothing was weird about having a chicken face. He bought coffee at Tweek’s parents’ shop, nodded at people like he’d lived there forever, and then showed up at the bus stop with us kids the next morning.
Stan kept staring at him.
Kyle was all, “Dude, what the hell is wrong with that guy’s head?”
Cartman, of course, thought it was awesome. “You guys, this dude is gonna be my new best friend. Anybody with that crazy Foo-Manchu mustache and looks that stupid has to be hilarious.”
But Chainsaw Chicken didn’t even notice. He just stood there, hands in his jacket pockets, talking about the weather like he belonged. And that’s when it hit us: South Park has had aliens, Satan, and even a talking towel. So a guy with a rubber chicken face? Yeah… that actually kinda made sense.
And you know what’s the strangest part? By lunchtime, nobody even cared anymore. He bought a round for all of us and just sat back and watched us. Like he was studying us to write some story.
Chainsaw Note: Yeah, yeah, relax. South Park belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central. They made the kids, the town, and the fart jokes. I just wandered in wearing a rubber chicken mask. No chainsaws involved. This is parody. It’s satire. It’s me doing my thing, not them doing theirs. If you thought otherwise, you might need to lay off the Cheesy Poofs.