Chainsaw Chicken stood at the dresser mirror, tugging at the floppy horns stitched onto his cow suit. He straightened his shoulders, lifted his chin, and gave his best attempt at a “moo.” Behind him in the glass, Mrs. Chicken appeared, arms crossed, expression sharp enough to cut the stitching. “Are you supposed to be a […]
Past Warning Remembered
My EMDR sessions with my current therapist pulled up a warm summer evening when my mother finally lost her temper with me.Not about grades.Not about chores.Not even about sneaking out. No… this was the night she shouted at me for “thinking I am a Chicken.” I told her, “I am not any chicken. I’m Chainsaw […]
Celebrating Labor Day
“The grill is working harder than I am.” But every year on Labor Day, Mrs. Chicken reminds me what real labor is like — hatching too many clutches of eggs to count. A tired reminder… but one I can’t exactly argue with.
Chainsaw Chicken – Box Boy
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that […]
Raising Chicks?
There I was. Just relaxing in my chair after a long day of doing things, being at places, seeing specific people, when Mrs. Chicken approaches me without saying a word. I look up at her and I smile, thinking about how fortunate I am to have found such a wonderful life partner. Someone who seemed […]
Celebrating Our New Brewery
Have you heard the news? Chainsaw Chicken, along with his many relatives, have opened a new brewery launching their line of beer called Chicken Brew. “It’s a new twist on the heavily consumed beverage market in North America” states Chainsaw. He continues, “After the people’s burden with scare tactics of Covid, H1N1 Swine Flu, Chicken […]
Push Button Husband
Mrs. Chicken sighed the way only a long-suffering spouse can. “You know, Chainsaw, living with you is like living with one of those new gadgets.” I perked up. “High-tech? Advanced? A marvel of modern design?” She gave me that flat stare over her glasses.“No. Tap-and-go. Push button. That’s it. There’s no mystery left. You’re predictable. […]
Pesky Impersonator
I am at my breaking point. It’s getting so that I can’t go anywhere without seeing people that are trying to steal my identity, pretending to be me. Impostors, impersonators, fakes like stolen valor of sorts. Just last weekend, I was at the park with Mrs. Chicken along with my nieces and nephews, Slomo, Sluggo, […]
Cryptophasia
My twin brother Buzzsaw and I are some of the best known identical twins continuing to use Cryptophasia. What is that? Cryptophasia is that “secret language” that twins can develop to speak to each other from when they begin to speak. It’s words no one else can understand. But how does it happen? While some […]
Bank Robbery Gone Wrong
There I was, at the window, making a deposit to my account at the Chainsaw Chicken International, Ltd credit union, when two masked men came in to rob the bank. It was so frightful! One of the desperadoes stood right behind me! His gun pointed at employees. He shouted “This is a robbery! Everyone do […]