Chainsaw Chicken stood in the hallway, holding a small cardboard package. He read the label again.“Amazon.” He nodded once.“That part checks out.” The bedroom door was slightly open. Warm light spilled into the hallway.On the floor beside him, the package had already been opened. A book rested halfway out of the bag: “The Amazon Position” […]
The Eyes of March
Chainsaw Chicken came home from work looking tired. Mrs. Chicken glanced up from the kitchen table. “How’d the promotion go at the mall?” Chainsaw sighed and lowered himself into a chair.“They hired me to promote a mid-March event,” he said. “Marketing said I should do something obviously Roman.” “That makes sense,” she said. “Well, the […]
Too Close to TV
You heard it when you were young.Chainsaw heard it as well. Your mother gently reminding you: “Don’t sit so close to the television.” It was a common chant, echoing from the kitchen into the living room. But it wasn’t the only daily drone mothers seemed to collectively employ in an effort to restrain the imaginary […]
This Changed Everything
The Day I Won a Hundred Terrible Records (and One That Saved Me) I was thirteen, all elbows and curiosity, tuned to a local AM station that sounded like it was broadcast from inside a coffee can. Every hour they ran a “Name It and Claim It” challenge: be the first caller to identify […]
She Loves Me…
Chainsaw Chicken stood in the field longer than necessary, holding a sunflower that had already given up most of its opinions. Petals on the ground don’t lie. They just tell you what you already suspect. He’s been married to Mrs. Chicken a long time. Long enough to know that love isn’t fireworks or slogans or […]
For the Last Time…
Let’s clear something up. Again. I am not a chicken.I do not use a chainsaw.Chainsaw is my name. This shouldn’t be complicated, yet here we are. Somewhere along the way, people decided that a name must be a job description, a lifestyle choice, or a prop inventory. If your name is Jack, you must climb […]
Halloween Reflection
Chainsaw Chicken stood at the dresser mirror, tugging at the floppy horns stitched onto his cow suit. He straightened his shoulders, lifted his chin, and gave his best attempt at a “moo.” Behind him in the glass, Mrs. Chicken appeared, arms crossed, expression sharp enough to cut the stitching. “Are you supposed to be a […]
Past Warning Remembered
My EMDR sessions with my current therapist pulled up a warm summer evening when my mother finally lost her temper with me.Not about grades.Not about chores.Not even about sneaking out. No… this was the night she shouted at me for “thinking I am a Chicken.” I told her, “I am not any chicken. I’m Chainsaw […]
Celebrating Labor Day
“The grill is working harder than I am.” But every year on Labor Day, Mrs. Chicken reminds me what real labor is like — hatching too many clutches of eggs to count. A tired reminder… but one I can’t exactly argue with.
Chainsaw Chicken – Box Boy
The boldest move I’ve made in the name of ALDI was volunteering Chainsaw Chicken — my satirical alter ego — as a free box boy for seniors at checkout. Anyone who shops at ALDI knows the rhythm: the cashier scans with lightning speed while customers scramble to bag their own groceries. Most people see that […]