WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chainsaw Chicken has announced his participation in the upcoming UFC event at the White House.
According to Chainsaw, the invitation arrived several weeks ago.
“I don’t generally discuss my athletic achievements,” said Chainsaw. “I prefer to let others discuss them because I don’t have any.”
The historic event is expected to draw thousands of spectators, military personnel, government officials, and professional fighters.
Chainsaw confirmed he was selected after meeting none of the known requirements.
“I have never fought professionally. I’ve never fought amateur. I once had a disagreement with a turkey at a county fair but there were no judges present.”
When asked about his training regimen, Chainsaw explained that he had spent considerable time preparing.
“I watched three Rocky movies and ate a sandwich. At that point I felt physically and emotionally ready.”
Sources close to the event have refused to confirm whether Chainsaw is an official participant.
This has not discouraged him.
“I already purchased the shorts.”
The patriotic fight attire prominently displays the website address chainsawchicken.com across the rear section of the uniform.
Chainsaw defended the placement.
“People spend too much time looking forward. Sometimes the best opportunities are behind you.”
Event organizers have declined to comment.
Chainsaw remains optimistic regarding his chances.
“I understand many of the competitors have trained their entire lives. Fortunately, I have absolutely no expectations.”
As of publication, Chainsaw had not identified his opponent.
“I was informed he has won seventeen consecutive fights.”
Chainsaw appeared unconcerned.
“Nobody wins eighteen.”
UPDATE: Following publication of this article, Chainsaw Chicken learned UFC does not stand for United Fried Chicken. He has not withdrawn from the event.