I was standing in the kitchen, staring at a can of Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder like it had just confessed to a felony.
The label said bioengineered ingredients.
Which, in Chainsaw Chicken’s world, translates to:
“Congratulations, you might grow a second spleen.”
Mrs. Chicken walked by and said,
“Chainsaw, why are you squinting at soup like it owes you money?”
@chainsaw.chicken3 Bioenginered Soup? Oh yuk! #soup #campbellssoup #fakechicken ♬ Walls – Joris Voorn Remix – YOTTO
“Because,” I whispered, “I heard a rumor.”
She sighed. “You ‘hear rumors.’ You don’t hear facts.”
I tapped the can.
“No, no, this one’s different. TikTok says Campbell’s might be using the same growth media they use for lab-grown meat. And lab-grown meat uses the same type of nutrient stuff they fed HeLa cells—”
Her eyes widened.
“Henrietta Lacks? Chainsaw, are you telling me you think this clam chowder is… part of a medical experiment?”
“In a manner of speaking,” I said, gently shaking the can.
“Look at it. Clams don’t even look like clams. That’s… that’s a texture designed in a lab by a man who owns ONE sweater vest.”
At that moment, Joey wandered in and asked,
“Dad, are we eating cancer?”
“Not today, kid,” I said. “We’re dining on bold, legally ambiguous innovation.”
Mrs. Chicken took the can, read the label, and calmly put it back on the counter.
Then she stared me dead in the eyes and said:
“Chainsaw. If you drag this family into another FDA investigation, I’m calling Grandma Bubbles.”
I froze.
Everyone freezes when Grandma Bubbles is brought into it.
Even the FDA freezes when Grandma Bubbles is brought into it.
I gulped.
“…Okay,” I said. “I’ll put the chowder down.”
But as soon as the kitchen was empty, I leaned close to the can and whispered:
“If you’re made of HeLa cells, blink twice.”
The can did not blink.
But I swear…
I heard it trying.